Thursday, January 26, 2012
Passions, Consumerism, Hypocrite.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'm wearing green harem pants. I feel like people either love or totally hate harem/drop crotch/whatever pants. This is understandable. I used to hate them as well. But I think they create such an interesting silhouette that I find them hard to resist. They're probably not the most flattering (a recurring theme in my outfits, I find), but I wore them anyway and I liked it when I was wearing them, okay?!?
On a completely separate and much more serious note, I feel compelled to share some recent thoughts.
(Abstract: It relates to blogging.)
I've been struggling a lot lately, grappling with the idea of my future. I've been so unhappy for the past 6 or 7 months because I chose to go into a Masters program in something that wasn't necessarily a "passion" of mine.
I think I had a breakthrough the other night, on Tumblr of all places. I was scrolling through my dashboard, filled with the usual models in fussy poses and detail shots of excessive accessories. Then I came across this post. It's from the Doctors Without Borders tumblr, which is one of the very few tumblrs (or blogs at all, really) that I follow that are related to my field of study.
After reading this post, I cried! Obviously the story was very sad, as are the thousands of similar stories that could be told by the universe's tired and downtrodden. But I was also crying because I just felt disgusted with myself. For the past 6 or 7 months (or really, the past 23 years) I've been constantly trying to assuage my own ridiculous craving for 'personal fulfillment,' which I've quickly come to realize actually equates to 'personal entertainment.' I'm suddenly cognizant of the fact that what I consider to be my passions (and really, they are- they're the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing before I go to sleep) are really nothing more than just hobbies when I wake the fuck up and realize what's going on in the world, everywhere.
I'm ashamed by the amount of clothing I own (even though it's all from thrift stores). I'm annoyed by the fact that I've made this conscious effort to escape the shackles of consumerism, but really I'm just bound by an alternative consumerism. I could say I was lied to, but I lied to myself.
Some days, today included, I want to abandon this blog and focus 100% on studying/finding some relevant work. Other days, I desperately try to think of ways to merge my studies and my hobbies into one (B and I have actually seriously been considering opening up a thrift/second-hand store that donates to some non-profit). Most days, I'm bored by Public Health. But I absolutely have to keep going with it, because otherwise I'll feel that I went through life and contributed nothing meaningful to the universe. At least nothing that actually affected people's actual lives. Will I stop buying mounds of clothing and delete this blog? Probably not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a big hypocrite.
**Update- have begun an application for the Peace Corps.
***EDIT: When I wrote this post, I didn't mean to make this huge distinction between global and domestic issues (fundamentally, they're equal). I just have an inclination toward global health for a couple reasons- first off because I'm interested in cultural competency and international affairs, and just because, I don't know, it's interesting.
****double edit- Kind of want to delete this post, due to coming off as major white savior complex (re: doctors without borders reference). But deleting posts is kind of lame. So...uh, in a last effort to defend myself retrospectively, I'll say that one of my main focuses of study has been how not to perpetuate the white man's burden syndrome by balancing cultural competency with essential universal ethics/principles of social justice. Do I sound like less of a douche bag now, or more? derrrp